Paris Fashion Week, Continued: Designers Brought the Drama!

The 4th of July this year coincides with Haute Couture Fashion Week in Paris, and frankly, we are super grateful for that. It’s a great excuse to distract ourselves from what’s been happening in this gun-saturated country for like 15 minutes and stare, instead, at beautiful (or at least interesting?), meticulously crafted clothes we could absolutely never wear or afford.

The usual suspects are dolling up the runway this year, including Dior, Chanel, Schiaparelli, Iris Van Herpen, Azzedine Alaia and more. Some designers and celebrities really brought it; others confused us but at least tried hard; and some of these looks, frankly, are just personal injury lawsuits waiting to happen. 

While observing these eye-popping, avant-garde confections, we like to imagine how they might translate to regular store shelves or mainstream trends—because one definitely cannot enter a party in a five-foot wide thorny headdress without putting someone’s eye out.

Without further ado, check out the latest dispatch from Paris. (We’ll be adding images throughout the week as the shows go on.) Bon Visionnage!

Julien Fournié

This is exactly how the inside of my brain feels most of the time. Just a tangled mess of chains, wires, and swirly things that don’t have a defined place or purpose, but are sure trying their darnedest to make something work.

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Yuima Nakazato

It’s like a Frozen version of Cruella de Vil. Or a One Hundred and One Dalmatians version of Elsa. Either way, this cape looks like it’s been through a paper shredder. Would wear.

Fendi

Despite being in New York, I can clearly hear Kris Jenner chasing Fendi’s head designer, Kim Jones, around Paris and demanding that she immediately be given two dozen of these Kaftan-esque sheer dress things so she can return to Calabasas to get drunk off martinis, count her money, and wear these around her mansion all day.

Juana Martín

Ah yes. The perfect hat for when there’s no sun, no rain, no temperature, no weather at all. Just a beautiful sky-less, atmosphere-less day. Place your cage hat made of yarn and holes atop your head, and enjoy a lovely afternoon struggling to walk through doorways.

Imane Ayissi

This look was awarded the Guinness World Record for being the first outfit ever that cannot be purchased unless you provide proof that you own a massive yacht.

Julie de Libran

It’s really hard to become a recognized haute couture designer by the Chambre Syndicale de la Haute Couture. It is an extremely coveted title only bestowed upon designers who have proven themselves experts at their craft—the criteria are strict and the application is invite-only. Currently, there are only about two dozen fashion houses considered haute couture

With that said, I’m sorry to bother you miss but can you tell me which way the Julie De Libran Haute Couture Show is? I’ve seemed to have lost my way and stumbled into this J.Crew.

Jean Paul Gaultier

Unfortunately, this is what I fear Elon Musk will require all women to wear if he ever succeeds in forcing us all to move to space.

Alexandre Vauthier

This is what I imagine would happen if you stuck your hand into the void but then quickly pulled it back out because yikes, that was terrifying. You’re still alive but now you’re cloaked in darkness and your arms have been replaced with small silver particles that you have to keep safe because if one falls off, your entire being will disintegrate into nothingness.

Rahul Mishra

At first, I thought these were mushrooms. Upon looking closer they’re just brown appliqué flowers. But it seems like even the flowers are sick of themselves. I think the flowers want to be mushrooms. I think they’re longing to be literally anything other than another stupid flower dress.

Jean Paul Gaultier

If you’re ever stuck without something to wear, remember that scribbling your name on some ribbon and wrapping it around your body is, apparently, a good and acceptable option.

Yuima Nakazato

In the entire history of fashion, I can’t think of a single designer who has been brave enough to tackle the question, “What’s the best way to store pool noodles for the winter?” The answer is to shrink-wrap them into netting and wear them like a cape so you look like a slinky, stylish octopus. Genius.

Jean Paul Gaultier

When I first saw this look as a small thumbnail I thought, “nice this looks cool.” But then I clicked, the image enlarged, and I was instead assaulted by an upside-down denim dress with the crotch split down the middle, a bunch of nonsensical feathers, and denim sleeves with thimbles for finger hats. I’ve never been more offended by anything in my entire life. Will be suing for emotional distress.

Fendi

Here is a nice yellow dress to soothe your eyes after having to look at the “dress” in the previous slide—a fashion palate cleanser, if you will. The bright neon isn’t mellow but it’s the only color that can successfully rid your brain of the former monstrosity.

Franck Sorbier

Fashion can be truly impressive sometimes. Frank Sorbier has crafted an outfit that looks like a woman riding a real horse—it’s absolutely remarkable. The attention to detail is exquisite. The life-like features are uncanny. This is sure to win you every Halloween costume contest for the rest of your life. Bravo!

Zuhair Murad

I really believe it’s in our society’s best interest to make boa-lined silk capes the must-have item of fall 2020. If you’re feeling villainous, it’s perfect. If you’re having a main character moment, it’s perfect. If you need to relax for the day and take care of yourself, it’s perfect. Apart from a helicopter ride, I can’t think of a single moment in which a boa-lined silk cape wouldn’t immediately make everything better.

Giorgio Armani Prive

If you’ve ever wondered what life might be like if you could turn your little $3 loofa into a giant loofa that you could wear right out of the shower and onto the street then this is your fucking moment, baby. What is this? And why?! Next.

Viktor & Rolf

The ‘80s called Vicktor & Rolf and said, “Shoulder pads aren’t enough! Jackets should make a woman look like an inverted triangle!” And if we’re judging this collection by those extremely specific parameters, they really nailed it.

Alexis Mabille

Here is a free list of things that designers can put on their clothing that aren’t more flowers: weeds, ants, balls of cat hair, Snapple bottles being recycled, a screen print of their favorite snack, blobfish, boxes of Crayola markers, a tugboat, computer wires, I could go on for another hour at least. If you’re a designer, feel free to contact me if you’d like any more suggestions.

Chanel

Rich people have continued to insist that the Chanel suit is iconic. Is it? I can’t think of a single person outside of Queen Elizabeth or Charlotte’s first mother-in-law, Bunny, in Sex and the City, who would wear something even a little bit like this. Is Chanel contractually obligated by some Illuminati-like organization to deliver a certain number of these every year? I need answers as to why we’re still being forced to consider these frumpy, heavy jackets a coveted, luxury item.

Ronald van Der Kemp

Hell yes, this is what I want from my haute couture shows. An outfit that is completely impractical, super fucking insane, and very dangerous to anyone standing near you. I want to play Tetris with this fit. Absolutely love it.

Stéphane Rolland

This screams, “I just got back from the Upside Down and I turned Vecna’s swirling black clouds of doom into some fabulous silver accessories that have given me the power to control this dimension.” So chic!

Giorgio Armani Prive

It’s always heartbreaking to see something with so much pink and so many sparkles be so devastatingly terrible. Did Barbie get trapped inside a factory that makes prom dresses for the early 2000s? If she did, I hope that storyline doesn’t make it into the movie.

Elie Saab

If we all aren’t drowning in capes come fall, then I truly don’t know what the point of any of this is. This one seems like it’d be the perfect summer-to-fall transition cape because the fabric seems light but it’ll still keep your neck warm on those crisp October nights.

Iris Van Herpen

This dress/wearable sculpture is giving “otherworldly bride that doesn’t want to be touched.” Maybe she’s just marrying herself. Somebody bring this spectacular woman a glass of champagne, then get the fuck away from her and appreciate her from afar.

Schiaparelli

This is like an emotional ombré dress, transitioning from goth/Black Swan into wild earth goddess. She looks like someone who found love in a hopeless place. I probably wouldn’t wear a whole fake bouquet on my shoulders, but it’s been a long pandemic, and this dress makes me feel something.

Law Roach

Fashion stylist Law Roach kinda looks like a superhero in this graphic cape with eye-catching embroidery. What do the doodles mean? I don’t know, but he looks like he could save us all from whatever.

MaLeonie Hanne

German influencer MaLeonie Hanne is bringing intense Ice Capades energy in this white floofy number and bedazzled tights. She’s even wearing arm tights—is that a thing? Props for committing so hard to the look, Frau Hanne, but it’s July. I’m itching and sweating vicariously.

Georges Hobeika

Okay, this dress is so fun and joyful. The giant yellow bow is giving me life, and I don’t even like bows. (Practical question, though: How would this woman be able to reach for something that’s above waist level, much less on a high shelf? What if she trips on those giant platform heels and can’t break her own fall because her arms are trapped in the bow? I’m scared for this model’s safety. Hope she’s getting hazard pay.)

Christian Dior

Yike. Dior phoned it in. The colors are drab, it looks like a last-minute costume you might rent for $62 or wear in a school play, it’s ill-fitting, and frankly I feel oppressed just looking at it. Hard no.

Stefan Djokovich

This is giving Eyes Wide Shut meets debutante ball, or maybe horror film set in a Kleinfeld Bridal store. No. Moving on.

Julia Fox

Julia Fox attended the Iris Van Herpen show in what honestly looks like a wearable Magic Eye autostereogram. If you relax your eyes for long enough while gazing at her torso, will the shape of a dolphin appear? I’ll never know, because I can’t look at this print too long without getting a headache.

At least the dress isn’t boring, though! We appreciate a fashion risk.

Christian Dior

From the ruffled collar and bell sleeves to the sheer fabric and crawling embroidery—this delicate femme gown is lovely, if not overwhelmingly exciting. Needs a better bra, though, if one at all (free the nip!).

Georges Hobeika

Now we’re talking! Why do I love this so much? The stitched petals (or are they bows? large insects? who cares!), the plunging V-neck sans undershirt, the styling with sandals. I appreciate how the basic Wall Street grey color evokes the idea of a traditional suit, but gives it a fresh and playful twist.

Stefan Djokovich

The pale pink bedazzled top is pretty dull, but the feathered ballroom skirt is kinda fun, I guess. Maybe I’d like it more in a color that doesn’t almost perfectly match the model’s flesh at the top. It’s a meh for me.

Zoe Saldana

Zoe Saldana could generally wear a paper bag and I’d swoon. That said, this lacy skirt is a bit reminiscent of a doily/my grandma’s tablecloth, and the vest with it is confusing. Sorry Zoe, still love you, you’re gorgeous.

Iris Van Herpen

Why would anyone want their actual face partially obscured by a random sketch of a face, unless you woke up with pink eye or a big zit on your left nostril the morning of your fancy event? I’m just confused by this dress.

Schiaparelli

Okay: This. ALL OF THIS. Here is a woman who just ripped off her bra, shoved her head into a bail of hay and grabbed a chunk of it for the road—and doesn’t owe you a reason why. She doesn’t give a fuck if you’re distracted by her black nipple pasties or the horse that may be eating off her head. This woman is hot; this woman is slightly unhinged; this woman has clearly been through some shit and lived to tell about it; this woman is absolutely not to be fucked with. 10/10, no notes, would wear this to work.